Most Days I Barely Feel Human

I had my 2nd appointment with the psychologist today. She was throwing all these career/job ideas at me, trying to determine what I am looking for. Some of the ideas were slightly appealing but the whole time she was talking and throwing ideas at me, I felt paralyzed by fear. All I could think about while she was talking was how I need help with my mental health issues, how I have no idea what I want or what I'd be good at. I can barely make a decision for my day, let alone the rest of my life. Most days I don't even remember to bathe or brush my teeth and I only can motivate myself in the morning to get up and dressed on the days I need to be somewhere. Can she not see inside of me, how totally screwed up and suppressed I am. Most days I barely feel human and the thought of being around groups of people in a social or employment situation make me sick inside. I can barely be around people I know and am familiar with.

I wanted to mention my sister and her mental health diagnosis but she only seemed interested in my career aspirations. I can't even think that I would be good at anything I might choose to do when I feel so incompetent in just getting through life. I'm 59 and can't think of one thing that I am actually good at or even interested enough in to pursue or excel at. I do good at something for a while then a mood strikes and I lose interest or decide in my mind I am not interested or not good at that thing.  I am not mentally healthy. Am I the only one that can tell? Do I hide it so well that I will never get the help I need to feel "normal"?

I have zero confidence in my abilities to do anything. I have zero interest in anything as I feel incapable. I feel like a fake because other people seem to think I am something I'm not. I just feel tired and empty and have nothing of substance to offer.

A Note From My Sister

Its been well all over a year since I wrote in this blog.  Today for the first time I talked to a mental health professional about my mental health issues, in hopes of finding some answers.  It reminded me of a note my sister had sent me last year outlining her mental health diagnoses.  This is the note my sister sent me:

					Not sure if you received the info you asked for , as you never got back to me . Anyways the dignois is borderline personality disorder and sitzode personality disorder  (I spelled that one wrong ) but I'm sure you know what I'm saying..also social phobia.. I hope this is helpful for you when you talk to your doctor.take care sis ...love you xoxo wendy..

Avoidant Personality Disorder

 Anxious [avoidant] personality disorder is characterized by feelings of tension and apprehension, insecurity and inferiority. There is a continuous yearning to be liked and accepted, a hypersensitivity to rejection and criticism with restricted personal attachments, and a tendency to avoid certain activities by habitual exaggeration of the potential dangers or risks in everyday situations.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - Diagnostic Criteria, American Psychiatric Association

An individual diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder needs to show at least 4 of the following criteria:

• Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.


• Is unwilling to get involved with people unless they are certain of being liked.


• Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed.


• Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.


• Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.


• Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others.


• Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.