Nobody Likes Me

From the time I was very small I felt inferior to other people. I always felt, and still feel, that people don't like me. I have always been afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing for fear that others would see how ridiculous I am. I do ok in one on one conversations but rarely speak out in a group for fear of looking stupid and embarrassing myself.

When I was a child I remember that whenever anyone said anything nice to me, like I was pretty or smart, I would burst into tears as if I was completely in awe that someone could have such a high opinion of someone as insignificant as me.

Even now, in social situations, I feel uncomfortable around people, feeling inferior, feeling small and alone. I rarely initiate the conversation. Of course, because I am bipolar 2 and, if I happen to be in a hyper manic state, I can be quite witty and charming at times. But there is always that underlying fear of saying or doing something stupid.

Often, when I do speak to people, I feel ignored and it seems like, in many conversations, they talk over me and manipulate the conversation. In my mind, this is further proof of the unimportance and insignificance of anything I may have to say.

For a while last year, I lived with my son. He has a fairly active social life and would sometimes have friends in for dinner. I would mostly stay in my room, feeling unwelcome and like I would be intruding. If anyone spoke to me I felt they were just being polite. I would feel nervous and uncomfortable and hurry back to my room so they could get back to the conversations they were having before I invaded their space. I am sure no one else in the room was thinking anything negative about the fact I was there but, in my mind, I felt unwelcome and out of place.

Even at work I get my job done and get out, avoiding contact as much as possible, wondering what negative things they are thinking about my clothing or my hair or my teeth.  Realistically, deep inside, I know that they are likely absorbed by their own lives and don't give me a thought, but that underlying feeling of inferiority is always there.

As I get older I spend more and more time in solitude and avoid any social or group situation because I feel so uncomfortable. These days my bipolar 2 is usually in the depressive state so, that in combination with with the APD, makes a pretty lonely secluded life.


Evolutionary psychology (the study of why behaviours evolve) explains in part the behaviour of those who suffer from APD. Our ancestors developed the ‘fight or flight’ response to things that they feared, and, as individuals with APD, at root, fear other people, they can become hostile to others (reflecting the ‘fight’ response), or do their best to avoid others (reflecting the ‘flight’ response). However, research suggests that ENVIRONMENTAL factors play a larger part in the development of APD than genetic factors (Millon and Everly)....read more.